21 Years…….

Today is May 3, 2022.

I started writing this at about 7:30am.

I can recall what I was doing on this day at about this time 21 years ago.

It was a Thursday morning which meant my preschool students would be coming to my house at 9am.

My 4 children were 6, 5, 3, and 1. The 6 year old had morning kindergarten. The 5 year old would be in preschool with me, while the 2 youngest would go play with cousins during our class.

The usual morning routines were taking place…. Breakfast, getting dressed, cleaning up the house for preschool, rearranging things and setting out the carpet for circle time, making sure the handouts and necessary supplies were ready, and so on and so on.

It was a beautiful sunny morning and while I was busy with things in the house, my 1 yr old was playing in the backyard. He loved to play in the backyard and generally it was not an issue. Today however, there was a large puddle of water surrounding one of the trees that he was really enjoying.

As I dragged him sopping wet out of the muddy mess of the puddle and into the shower, I did a lot of complaining in my mind and out loud. I didn’t have time to be dealing with this. Why was he such a troublemaker (IYKYK :))? He is so frustrating!!!!

Cleaned up, I parked him on my bed in front of the only movie that he would watch, “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” so that he couldn’t cause any more problems.

In my frustration, I was ready for him to be gone so I could get things done. When he left with his sister that was the last time I saw him alive.

The next time I saw him was in the emergency room. He was wheeled in on a gurney surrounded by doctors and nurses who were performing CPR on him and had been for over 30 minutes at that point. The doctors continued their work for a time but with no success.

How could I have been so ready for him to leave that morning? What would I give to have him making messes and screwing up my schedule any other morning ever again?

It is interesting the things we remember and how we remember them. It truly is an example of the ways that our thoughts create our feelings.

The past 21 years I have had a wide variety of thoughts and emotions surrounding this particular “Circumstance”. Some lead me to believe that not all circumstances are neutral. And then I remember, “That is a thought”. And maybe it’s one that I choose to hold onto.

There may be other thoughts that feel like circumstances for me……

“Life is not fair”……. just part of my circumstance.

But at the same time I can see both sides in that truth.

It isn’t fair that I had a child who died at 21 months old. But I had 21 months with him…my friend only had 3 days with her son.

It isn’t fair that our family suffered this loss. And in some ways it doesn’t seem fair that our family has been so blessed in so many ways in this life as well.

It isn’t fair that we have to have this grief. And it doesn’t seem fair the amount of joy and peace we have been able to feel right along side the grief.

My final thought for today is just this:

There may be times in your life that you realize your thoughts create your feelings, and you continue to choose to keep those thoughts.

It is not because you like the “negative” emotions that those thoughts create, but more because you don’t want to choose to think differently about specific things (circumstances) in your life.

The death of my son is one of those circumstances, and while there are many thoughts I have let go over 21 years, there are some that I will hold on to until the day I die, and see him again.

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I’m Michelle. I am learning how to minimize my overwhelm, perfectionism, and people-pleasing and I am ready to help you do the same. I’m a certified Life Coach and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Come with me and learn how.