Michelle Keil Coaching

November 2 – I am Grateful for…

Day 2……November 2.

The rest of the “list” of things I am grateful for will be in no specific order so don’t worry about the fact that today I am grateful for books.

I assure you it is not that I love books more than my family or my health. 🙂

What it is is that tonight I have a book group with some women that are family to me. Shout out to “Prose Before Bros”!

So with that frame of reference today is books.

It has not always been easy to love books. I wasn’t always one to read for pleasure.

Though I enjoyed reading, as a mother with lots of littles (4 kids in 5 years and 3 weeks to be specific) I didn’t always take the time for books. When I did read, it was like I had no self control. I had to read the entire book in a matter of days. That left my “momming” duties unattended and me lacking sleep.

It was “better” for everyone if I didn’t read solely for my own enjoyment.

Isn’t that a depressing thought?

But it wasn’t the books’ fault!

That’s the thing about brains. They can come to conclusions with all the data they have accumulated and decide what that data means. That doesn’t necessarily make those conclusions true or factual.

So it is with books and the many misguided conclusions my brain has come to over the years!!

Books are so freeing! I can escape. I can be transported. I can be entertained. My deductive reasoning skills can get a workout (can you guess that I really enjoy a good mystery?). It can stretch my perspective and see things in a new light. I can gain a new understanding. I can decide I want to learn something new and do it.

That’s not to say I only love novels and educational books. To my husband’s dismay, I have amassed quite a collection of children’s literature as well. Maybe I will have to edit this post soon and add a list of some of my favorites in each category.

I think my love grew in part because of this particular book group. It started about 20 years ago. Though it has morphed through the years, there still remains a core group of women that I “grew up” with. But that is another post.

The love that book groups has fostered has been through reading what others suggested and broadening my scope. Reading things I would not have chosen at first glance.

Now I know why you shouldn’t choose a book by its cover.

As time moved forward and technology arrived on the scene, life got busier and books changed. Digital readers grew in popularity and made it possible to carry hundreds of books with me at all times. Not that I was choosing to read them more and more…. I was busy!!!

Then I moved into the realm of audiobooks. At least then I could be “reading” and still using both my hands to make dinner, clean up a messy kid, or fold the laundry.

Over time, I was too busy for even that. Really? That seems extreme, but that’s what I would tell myself.

For a while, I would buy books intending to read them and watch them pile up. Who knew there was word for that?

Tsundoku (Japanese: 積ん読) refers to the phenomenon of acquiring reading materials but letting them pile up in one’s home without reading them.

Hahaha!!! TOTALLY ME!

Fast forward to starting to engage with books again. Back to audio books but more often than not they were self-help or personal development books.

I was in the process of “fixing” all my issues. I needed the information to get to the source of my problems so I could “solve” them and be happy all the time.

Books are so freeing! I can escape. I can be transported. I can be entertained. My deductive reasoning skills can get a workout (can you guess that I really enjoy a good mystery?). It can stretch my perspective and see things in a new light. I can gain a new understanding. I can decide I want to learn something new and do it.

I’m Michelle. I am learning how to minimize my overwhelm, perfectionism, and people-pleasing and I am ready to help you do the same. I’m a certified Life Coach and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Come with me and learn how.

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

In the present, I am rekindling my love of written words on actual paper. Books that I can hold in my hands and be present with. And not just my love of the tactile experience but allowing myself the “luxury” of fiction again

SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t need to be fixed or solved. And neither do you. But again, a different story for a different day.

It was not all bad! I have learned so much and I continue learning. I am loving it!

And now I am consciously choosing to read. Scheduling it in my planner; Multiple books at a time!

In the present, I am rekindling my love of written words on actual paper. Books that I can hold in my hands and be present with. And not just my love of the tactile experience but allowing myself the “luxury” of fiction again.

Not everything I do in life has to be productive! (If I keep repeating this to myself, one day it may take hold in my brain :)) And even though fiction may not have a direct correlation to productivity, in reality it is entirely related.

If I can allow myself the time to read and enjoy a good book, my brain gets to enjoy a different type of workout. I think of it like going out on my stand up paddle board. It is a workout but not one that I normally do. I get to enjoy beautiful surroundings, spend time with people I love, and have some fun. The workout part is more of a bonus.

That is books. I love to buy them. I love to read them. I love to listen to them. I love to talk about them. I love to suggest them to others!!

Do you want help with your gratitude or making time for the things you enjoy? “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free zoom session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

My work is GRATITUDE, and I want to become a master!!

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

November 1 – I am Grateful for…

**Artwork By Kate Lee**

Day one of my experiment…..November 1.

The most important thing in my life that I am grateful for is my faith.

More specifically, I am grateful for my faith in Jesus Christ.

I have faith in a lot of things.

I have faith that when I use the light switch in my home the light will turn on.

I have faith that the sun will rise each morning.

I have faith that my car will start when I hit the ignition.

All of those things require some level of faith, but the greatest gift of faith I have is my faith in Jesus Christ.

So what is faith?

The Apostle Paul taught, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1 KJV)

And specifically in my personal faith tradition as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though we do not understand all things, He does.

I have had more than enough experiences in my life that point me toward Him. I have collected “evidence of things not seen” and know it in a way that I cannot explain.

I have felt strengthened in my life at times when there is no other explanation except His infinite power and love lifting me and supporting me.

I have felt that He alone understands how I feel as a mother when I visit the gravesite of my son.

I have faith in the promise that He will “give unto [me] beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that [I] might be called [a tree] of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:3 KJV)

If I develop my faith in Jesus Christ as the Savior and Redeemer of mankind, I can also develop my faith in God the Father, who sent Him here to fulfill that mission.

That faith is a way for me to develop and express my trust in Him. Trust in God is a powerful force in my life.

Recently, a friend posed the question, “Where is God at work in your life this week? Is there a new thing He wants you to do? How is He growing or maturing you?”

I spent a few days pondering those questions before I wrote my reply. I shared,

“God is showing me opportunities that are available for me and allowing me to decide either way. I am seeing His trust in me when I trust in Him. Seeing His trust in me is allowing me to trust myself more.”

When I don’t understand, which is often, He does. And if He has trust in me why do I question that? Don’t I believe in a God that is omnipotent and omniscient? Of course I do!

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1
KJV

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

Having faith in Jesus Christ means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence, and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though we do not understand all things, He does.

It is through my faith that I continue to grow and evolve. It is my faith that allows me to believe that this life is not the whole story. It is in faith that my limited, human efforts can be met by grace and compassion.

It is faith that leads me to believe God has something more in mind for me than the limiting vision I have for my life. And it is faith that allows me to ask what that might be.

As my faith grows and leads me to develop, I change my behaviors to become more of a living testimony of the power and mission of Jesus Christ.

It is my hope that people who know me but don’t know Him, will want to know Him because they know me.

If you would like to discuss gratitude or faith, “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free zoom session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

The work is GRATITUDE, and I want to become a master!! Come with me. 🙂

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

THAT is faith!!!

It’s ALL good in the end! If it’s not good, it is not the end!!

An Experiment in Gratitude

Welcome to my next experiment!!

Once again, I have taken time to notice what my brain offers me. This time I decided to spend some time examining those thoughts and questioning them.

In my last post I shared a letter from my future self.

I have spent the past month looking at the life I am creating for my future self.

What is her work schedule?

Who does she work with?

Why does she choose the things that fill her time?

What led to her state of general contentment, dare I even say “Happiness”, with her life?

Today I am starting a month of daily blog posts.

It is an exercise in showing up in a way that I want to not because it ‘means’ anything for my business, or even about me personally.

I am showing up in a way that I want to cultivate in my life and daily practice.

You get to be the unwitting participant/witness in my experiment.

With Thanksgiving this month, it is the easiest time of year to focus on gratitude. So to make it a daily practice and something I would like to continue throughout the year, I plan to write a blog post every day this month about something I am grateful for.

I will tell you now, some posts will be longer than others. Some might only be a couple of paragraphs. Some may include pictures. Who knows what this will look like?

But in 31 days it will look like 31 more blog posts (hopefully :).

I am allowing it to be what it is without expectation or judgment for myslef.

And at the same time, I am willing to offer myself grace if I mess up. That is not my intent (messing up) and I am fully committed to doing this daily, but I am willing to consider the “grace” route over the criticism and blame I have resorted to in the past for anything less than perfection.

Why gratitude?

It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.

– David Steindl-Rast

I can’t even tell you how many years ago I heard this quote for the first time and it has never left me.

I fully believe this with my whole heart and now we live in a world that offers scientific evidence to back it up.

Gratitude can literally rewire your brain. The chemicals serotonin and dopamine that are released help us to feel good in the moment as well as developing a more positive outlook in general.

There are physical measurable side effects even beyond the mental health properties such as stress hormone levels which directly effect heart health.

In a world of so many things that go wrong and horrible things that happen around us everyday, I want to focus on all the miracles and wonderful things that are happening right beside me.

Coupling this practice of gratitude with coaching, both as the coach as well as the client, gives me the opportunity to create more of the life I want while developing my “gratitude muscles”.

It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.

-David
Steindl-Rast

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

I have spent time becoming an excellent coach. I have worked on my skills and myself to do that. I continue to do that each week. Not because I am not enough as I am now, but because I want to see what is possible for me to become.

I can do the same with you! “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free zoom session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

For me this month the work is GRATITUDE, and I want to become a master!!

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

A Letter From My Future Self

Today I am sharing an exercise I finally did in the past week. It has been on my list of things to do for nearly two years now, but it always felt too hard.

It seemed like something outside of my reach. However, in my own growth and exploration I found it had more to do with my own beliefs and expectations around actually voicing what I want to create for myself. The belief that wanting things for myself and actually saying them or writing them down was selfish when my life is so wonderful. How could I even ask for more? The nerve!!!

So in this exercise, the me of the future writes a letter to me in the present.

She is exactly where I want to be in my life and my business. (Do I even know where that is?)

What advice would she give me?

What would she tell me to stop doing?

What would she tell me to start doing?

What else would she tell me?

The idea was to set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and just write, even if you start with “I am not sure what my future self would say – what does she want me to know?” (and I DID start with just that!!!)

And so I began. And when the timer went off after 10 minutes I found I had more to write….. over 10 minutes more. What came out was more bullet points than a formal letter per se.

So for today I share with you what my “Future Self” said to me. Take it for what it’s worth.

For me, it is priceless!!!

A Letter From My Future Self – August 23, 2022

You should know that this whole journey was never as important as you thought it was.
It was only a small piece about the business itself and so much more about the person you become in the process.
Lighten up on the “shoulds” you hold so tightly. Those are only reflections of the expectations imposed by your old habits and thought patterns and other people who think they know what is best for you.
Stop avoiding looking inward and trusting yourself. You have more intuition and wisdom than you give yourself credit for. Develop the relationship with yourself right where you are and continue to stretch yourself – not because you need fixing but just to show yourself what is possible for you.
Develop your relationship with your Heavenly Father. He has a plan for you & He knows you and all that you desire. As you develop that relationship you will be less afraid to ask Him what He wants for you and tell Him the things you want for yourself. He is a giver of gifts and wants to help you achieve your righteous desires.
Remember that while it is not about getting more money, it is about money. Money allows you more freedom; Money allows you to serve more generously; Money allows you to give more freely; Money allows you to help in new and different ways that you didn’t know before.
Be wise with your money but don’t be too concerned about it. Money is a tool that moves your work forward to bless your life and the lives of your family and those around you.
The business “we” created is to support our life and the things we most value, not the other way around. Be mindful of the balance of work and life. If one must overpower the other, CHOOSE LIFE. You spent too many years choosing work out of fear and lack.
You have been so blessed in your life. Remember those blessings and the blessings that will continue to come. Be grateful for where you are. Be present in the moment.
Remember that life does not have to be “either/or”, “black or white”, it can be “and/both”! You can be grateful for the present AND continue to learn and grow and desire more. You can hold both of those thoughts at the same time.
Remember that not everything your brain offers you is helpful, useful or kind. Be discriminating with the things you choose to believe.
Have fun and be willing to be bad! That’s how we got so good at the things we do well now.
Surround yourself with those who believe in you and your plan. And remember that their support, while nice, is nowhere near as important as the support you give yourself.

Lighten up on the “shoulds” you hold so tightly. Those are only reflections of the expectations imposed by your old habits and thought patterns and other people who think they know what is best for you.
– Future me

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

The business “we” created is to support our life and the things we most value, not the other way around. Be mindful of the balance of work and life. If one must overpower the other, CHOOSE LIFE. You spent too many years choosing work out of fear and lack.

Don’t forget that your supporters include more than just the people here on earth. You have so many loved ones who are cheering you on and offering support from the other side of the veil.
Allow your brain to be your brain! You don’t need to become someone else. You don’t need to do what they do or say what they say. Trust your own voice and your own ideas even if they take longer than you think they should to develop. Just keep moving forward and do the “next right thing”.
Stop needing to know all the “how” and realize that you know enough to move forward. You know enough– You are enough– and you have something of value to offer.
You are NOT too old!!! It is NOT too late!! There is plenty of time and no need to rush.
Take the time to write and empty your brain. Sort through the tangle and the weeds and cultivate a garden that will bear fruit long into the future. You have the skills. You have the discipline. All you need to do is keep doing the small things.
Trust yourself….Trust God…..Listen…..Be still!!! Take your time.
Love yourself and your family all along the way.
Have fun and create the life we always knew we would have!!
You cannot fail because you win just for being willing to try.

Now I get the chance to live into that future self. I don’t know when in the future it will be but honestly, I don’t need to know that. I get to trust myself, believe in myself, and love myself all the way there.

It is, as always, a work in progress. Not because where I am is wrong. But really just for fun!!! I wonder what is possible? What does that future look like really? How do I spend my time and energy there?

All things to discover in time!! It really is a real-life “Choose Your Own Adventure”! And the adventure is my life!!

If you would like someone to help you discover your “Future Self” all you have to do is “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free zoom session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain

Did you know that there are many kinds of pain?

I’m sure you did because you are a human and you have experienced one or more types of pain.

Just as the types of pain vary, the causes of pain can widely vary as well.

“Pain is physical; suffering is mental. Beyond the mind there is no suffering. Pain is essential for the survival of the body, but none compels you to suffer. Suffering is entirely due to clinging or resisting; it is a sign of our unwillingness to move on; to flow with life.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj

Today I want to specifically focus on 2 types of emotional or mental pain.

Let’s talk about “clean” pain and “dirty” pain. In simplest terms we can think of clean pain as natural pain and dirty pain as unnatural pain.

The reality of being a human and living with other humans, is that there are parts of life that are painful. There’s no way to avoid it, but what is avoidable is the additional suffering that we add on. Knowing the difference can cause a shift out of unnecessary worry and rumination; shame and blame. Understanding these two types of emotional pain can help you live a more peaceful life.

Clean pain is what you experience when something intrinsically hurts or something stressful happens to you.

While yes it is true that it is our thoughts that create our emotions, there will be times when those thoughts and emotions are ones that we choose to keep. When my son died I felt a grief that I didn’t know existed before. That clean pain is expected in difficult experiences, at least hopefully. If you didn’t experience clean pain you might just be a sociopath. 😛

Clean pain is a sadness, we feel when a relationship ends, or grief when we lose a loved one. Maybe it’s the pain we feel at the loss of a job, or an accident or health diagnosis.

Just as with all emotions, it can be physical, like the knot you feel in your stomach when you hear bad news.

Dirty pain on the other hand is the pain we perceive, or truly that we create.

Dirty pain is a loneliness you feel because you avoid getting close to people so they can’t hurt you.

It’s the anger and frustration that you feel, staying at a job that makes you miserable to avoid the potential rejection of applying for a new job and being turned down.

Maybe for you, dirty pain is thinking about making changes to habits or the effort required to achieve a specific goal, but then never taking action to avoid a potential failure.

It’s when you tried and didn’t meet your own expectations and the judgment you assign to that.

For me for a time, dirty pain was all the time spent asking God why this had to happen, blaming myself, and questioning my choices as a mother that led to this outcome.

Clean pain is unavoidable. It’s a part of life. It’s the pain of going through something difficult. It’s also a part of growth. As we learn and process the pain we develop in our capacity and empathy for others.

Dirty pain is going around it, thinking that we shouldn’t feel the pain, and it keeps us stuck. It includes the resistance to what is reality or the judgment for our response to it.

Perhaps something unpleasant happens or you worry that it might happen, but rather than deal with it and letting it pass, you start spinning all kinds of stories about it in your mind.

It’s the headache you had this week leading to: “What if there’s something seriously wrong with me? Didn’t my cousin have the same thing? He died of a brain aneurysm.”

“Why did he break up with me? I know he said it wasn’t anything to do with me but what if it was? What if there’s something inherently unlovable about me? What if I never find anyone? What if I’m destined to be alone forever?”

“How am I ever going to find a job now? The economy is terrible and there are no opportunities. What if I end up on the streets? What if I become a bag lady?”

Any of those sound familiar?

When you can’t let go of a negative story in your mind, almost always a story in which you cast yourself as either a victim or the judge, it causes a feedback loop. The story that you’re telling yourself creates an emotional response….. which then influences your behavior…. which in turn, reinforces the thoughts you’re thinking…… and on and on and on it goes.

Dirty pain will always lasts longer and cause more suffering in the end. And unlike clean pain, it prolongs the discomfort.

“Pain is physical; suffering is mental. Beyond the mind there is no suffering. Pain is essential for the survival of the body, but none compels you to suffer. Suffering is entirely due to clinging or resisting; it is a sign of our unwillingness to move on; to flow with life.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

When you can’t let go of a negative story in your mind, almost always a story in which you cast yourself as either a victim or the judge, it causes a feedback loop. The story that you’re telling yourself creates an emotional response….. which then influences your behavior…. which in turn, reinforces the thoughts you’re thinking…… and on and on and on it goes.

One way to know for sure which form of pain we’re experiencing would be to check in with our body. Clean pain will feel open and vulnerable, and maybe a little shaky. When you learn to allow it and process it you feel lighter, and maybe freer, like you sometimes feel after a good cry.

Dirty pain will feel tense or tight. It feels closed off and shut down. It often feels uncontrollable, like when you’re angry and it seems as though the words just fly out of your mouth before you’ve thought through things. Or when you’re avoiding engaging in a situation out of fear of what might happen.

So the question I leave with you today is, are you willing to accept and experience clean pain? And are you willing to stop creating dirty pain to avoid it?

I can help you learn how.

If you would like help and support along with tools that can guide you distinguishing your pain, along with allowing and processing your pain “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

How to Begin Mental Weight Loss in 5 Steps

Two weeks ago I introduced you to “mental weight”. My definition is an accumulation of those things that “weigh” on your mind.

Some forms of mental weight include the things we worry about, feel anxious towards, or procrastinate on, as well as the unprocessed emotions that we carry. For myself, the mental weight includes my own expectations and judgments.

Remember the visual we discussed of a backpack loaded with bricks. Each brick is a form of our mental weight – habits, old thoughts and beliefs, unresolved emotions.

So what can we do to release some of that mental weight and lighten our load of bricks? Are you ready to take off your backpack?

Step One: Take Off Your Backpack and Take an Honest Look at What’s Inside.

What bricks are actually in there? They will be different for everyone. What bricks do you find in your backpack?

When you take a look, what specific limiting beliefs, judgments, harmful habits, unmanaged thoughts, and ignored emotions do you find?

Treat these bricks like your candy stash at Halloween. Dump everything out – we call this a brain dump or a thought download.

Grab a piece of paper and just start dumping out your brain. You can free write for as long as you like or you can give yourself a prompt and a time limit.

Step Two: Sort Your Bricks (Thoughts)

Once again, just like your Halloween candy, sort everything you find.

What are the bricks worth keeping and enjoying? What are the ones that you are willing to trade? Which thoughts are the ones you can just git rid of altogether?

When sorting your thoughts maybe you make a pile of the “Good People Do X, Y, and Z,” bricks. You can jump into those later when you have some time to explore how and when those came to be.

Or the pile of “Success Comes from Lots of Hard Work” or “Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees” can be one that you combine with “Things My Parents Wanted for Me”. Maybe you can add in the “I Am not Meant to Be THAT Successful” bricks as well.

Your piles of “I Need to Prove My Worth Through Achievement” bricks and your “I Am Not Worthy of Love” or “If I Do the Right Things They Will Love Me” bricks might be a pile you are not ready to look at yet. That’s okay too.

Just the steps of opening up your backpack and taking a good look at what’s inside can lighten some of the weight it creates.

Step Three: Let Go of the Bricks You Can Let Go of Now

Over the past few years, I have managed to let go of several of my own bricks. The “My Happiness Depends On Those Around Me” and “No One Else Appreciates Me” bricks still show up in my backpack once in a while but when I take the time to notice them I can usually set them aside.

The bricks of “Good Moms Love Playing With Their Kids” and “Time for My Hobbies Takes Away From My Family” are ones I have pretty much let go of. These used to weigh me down considerably, but as both my kids and I have gotten older, I no longer need to carry them.

Step 4: Recognize the Bricks That Remain and Acknowledge Them as They Are.

There are other bricks that I am fully aware of and still choose to carry like “I Shouldn’t Spend Money On Myself” or “I Will Never Be organized”. Even though I cannot fully leave them behind in the present, I know that my awareness of them allows me to move towards releasing them in time.

Although these bricks still weigh me down I can notice them, and begin to question if I need to keep carrying them over time.

I am sure there are bricks that I am not even aware of yet. And that’s okay. I can regularly do this exercise and discover the bricks that are there, finding new ones, releasing more and more over time.

As long as I continue to stay aware, I can simply trust that when those bricks are ready to be released they will become heavy enough to get my attention. I will become aware of those bricks as I am meant to.

1. Take off your backpack and take an honest look at what is inside
2. Sort your bricks
3. Let go of the bricks you can let go of now
4. Recognize the bricks that remain and acknowledge them as they are
5. Remind yourself that the bricks aren’t real

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

I am sure there are bricks that I am not even aware of yet. And that’s okay. I can regularly do this exercise and discover the bricks that are there, finding new ones, releasing more and more over time.
As long as I continue to stay aware, I can simply trust that when those bricks are ready to be released they will become heavy enough to get my attention. I will become aware of those bricks as I am meant to.

Step 5: Remember That the Bricks Aren’t Actually Real

The bricks aren’t actually real!!!

It is good to remember from time to time but we forget. They feel real. We treat them as if they are real. We act as if they are real. But they are not real.

Even when we talk about dumping them on the floor and sorting through them, that is only metaphorical. We cannot actually see them or handle them. They don’t have any physical weight. They are just our perceptions, thoughts in our brain.

Remember we have around 60,000 thoughts each day. They come and go like clouds. Sometimes light and airy just floating by, and other times they appear dark and ominous, full of “danger”.

As our thinking changes and we gain new insight, or learn a different perspective the weight of the backpack changes. Some things that were once marble bricks may feel like foam bricks as we see things in a new way. The heaviness is changed.

The good news is these bricks aren’t dangerous at all. We only need to remember that they aren’t actually real.

So remember that when you are feeling weighed down, you can follow these steps and let go of some of that weight. It is a process and just do what you can with the bricks that you know. And try to keep in mind that even the heavy ones are as permanent as the clouds. They will come and go. “Contact Me” and send me a quick email if you would like to let go of some of this extra weight for yourself. We can unpack your backpack together and see what bricks you have been carrying around. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss the weight you want to let go of and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!….. In the end!!! If it’s not good, it’s not the end!

22 Birthdays Later

I know last week I said I would talk about how to begin losing the mental weight we carry around, and that post is mostly written.

But since this is mostly for me and I get to decide what goes out, I changed my plans. Again 🙂

Today is more of a journal entry so keep that in mind, and feel free to skip over it if you like. It might get long.

Today is my fourth child’s birthday. He was born July 19, 1999. The previous week I had turned 29 on my own birthday.

I was home with my three kids, ages 5, 3 and 1, when my water broke. My husband was at work as an assistant installer for a custom closet company. He had no cell phone and didn’t even have his own car at the job site.

I called his company and managed to get the phone number of the installer he was working with to let him know I was heading to the hospital and he needed to figure out how to meet me there.

One thing we have learned during our decades in Arizona is that if you can go somewhere, to visit family or vacation, or whatever, July is a good time to do that because it is so dang hot. And it is generally monsoon season which makes it a little more humid than usual. If you can leave, you do!

That is why it took a minute to find someone to watch the other three kids. That and the fact that my due date was not for another 6 weeks or so.

After calling my neighbor to see if she could watch the kids, I grabbed what I needed for the hospital since I was not ready for that, put a towel down on the seat, and I drove myself to the hospital.

10/10 would not recommend 🙂 ….. but you do what you gotta do! The stubborn, self -reliant portion of my personality is what it is.

There were a lot of thoughts!!! Mostly questions.

What if my husband doesn’t make it to the hospital?

Why is this happening so early?

What if there is something wrong?

Long story short…… I made it to the hospital. My husband made it to the hospital. I didn’t have to have a C-section (somewhat of a worry since baby number 3 had been a C-section). There were no extra complications.

Entering the TMI section of the entry……. When my water broke it was what doctors refer to as port wine color. That indicates blood in the amniotic fluid. Not generally something you want to see. But the color denotes “old” blood not fresh blood.

We didn’t know the sex before he was born. Super old school! It wasn’t until our son was delivered that they found the cord wrapped around his neck. And not long after he was born they delivered a blood clot roughly about half of his size.

He was 6 weeks early. He weighed 5 pounds 4 ounces and was perfectly healthy. His lungs were fully developed and he had no problems other than maintaining his body temperature because he was small and had no body fat to speak of.

The doctor commented on his healthy lungs and said most likely with the placenta rupture (that we were unaware of that had caused the blood clot), his body sped up his development in the womb realizing that he wouldn’t be able to survive in there much longer. Between the rupture and the cord around his neck he likely would not have made it to term alive.

After 2 days we went home and began our “normal” life. Four kids 5 and under. Life was good!

Loren was a mischievous child; very active and always into something. There were lots of challenges.

When he was nearly 7 months old, due to the chaos of kids, miscommunication and life in general, he drowned in the bathtub. It may sound like an exaggeration but pulling him lifeless from the tub while my husband called 911 and I gave him mouth to mouth felt extreme at the time too.

After 2 breaths, and still on the phone with the 911 operator, he started crying and breathing. It was a miracle!

He was extremely smart and did not realize he was not the same age as his older siblings mimicking them in everything he could. He loved Winne the Pooh, and his dad more than anything. The cover picture is the two of the on Mission Beach in San Diego when Loren was 17 months old.

Then our world came crashing down on May 3, 2001.

While I was finishing up teaching preschool for the day, Loren drowned. His 3 year old sister used to tell us about the fireman coming and cutting his clothes and giving him medicine to make him better before they took him away in the ambulance.

He was 6 weeks early. He weighed 5 pounds 4 ounces and was perfectly healthy. His lungs were fully developed and he had no problems other than maintaining his body temperature because he was small and had no body fat to speak of.

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

So why am I telling you all of this?
Because on that day in 2001 I didn’t think I would survive. I couldn’t see how that was possible given the events that had transpired. The emotions were overwhelming.
But I did survive. I survived the first 21 minutes. Then 21 hours. Then 21 days. Then 21 weeks. Then 21 months. Then 21 seasons. Then 21 years. I am still surviving. But I can do more than just survive.
And even though I don’t do it perfectly, that’s okay. It continues to be a work in progress. I have learned how to allow feelings. All the feelings.

One of the preschool parents drove me to the hospital and I called my husband to once again meet me at the hospital. I arrived before the ambulance. As they wheeled him in, my first thought was, “He will be okay! He has good color!” It didn’t register that his color was due to the CPR efforts the emergency medical personnel had been administering to him for over 30 minutes.

Shortly after the 45 minute mark the ER doctor told me there was no more they could do, and there had been no response to their efforts. My son was gone. He was just over 21 months old.

They led me to another room and at nearly the same moment my husband walked in and I had to give him the news. The rest of the day is a strange mixture of a blur and every minute being indelibly seared on my memory. The hospital staff allowed us all the time we needed to be with him. Friends and family came to the hospital to support us and say their goodbyes.

What seemed like hours later as we drove away, with broken hearts and broken lives, our conversation turned to how we could ever tell our other 3 children.

I believe with my whole soul that the only way we survived and did the things that we had to do over the next days and weeks (and years) was through the grace of God, the atoning power of the Savior of the world, and the comforting gift of the Holy Ghost.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Because on that day in 2001 I didn’t think I would survive. I couldn’t see how that was possible given the events that had transpired. The emotions were overwhelming.

But I did survive. I survived the first 21 minutes. Then 21 hours. Then 21 days. Then 21 weeks. Then 21 months. Then 21 seasons. Then 21 years. I am still surviving. But I can do more than just survive.

And even though I don’t do it perfectly, that’s okay. It continues to be a work in progress. I have learned how to allow feelings. All the feelings.

Love, joy, frustration, anger, madness, happiness, wonder, guilt, sorrow, sympathy, compassion, regret, agony, grief, fascination, awe, sadness, disappointment, tenderness, kindness, worry, confusion, gratitude, empathy, anxiety, depression, relief, contentment, resentment, bitterness, hopelessness, peace, comfort, safety, powerlessness, despair, blessed, protected, alone, silently supported, heartbroken, renewed, hopeful…… and on and on and on.

Today is his 23rd birthday. We only had one birthday with him while he was on the earth. I don’t want to forget the time we had with him. And I fully anticipate a beautiful reunion with him in the next life.

I have learned that I can generate the emotions that I want to….. and sometimes I can’t. And that’s okay. I can experience all the emotions that come and know that they are all a part of the experience.

Next week I will go back to some of the ways you can begin to “lose the weight”. But for this week I wanted to remember and feel. If you have feelings that seem more than you can manage “Contact Me” and send me a email. I would be honored to be with you and hold space for you while we process or examine those feelings. We can talk about those emotions that feel overwhelming and to hard to handle, because the interesting thing I have found is that resisting the emotion or trying to pretend it isn’t there takes so much more effort than acknowledging and allowing it to be there. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss your emotions, including processing them as we let go of and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!….. In the end!!! If it’s not good, it’s not the end!

Mental Weight – What is it?

There are several people that I know that are carrying around some extra weight, but not perhaps in the way you might think.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about mental weight.

It started for me about a year ago when I saw a friend that, due to the pandemic, I had not seen in almost a year.

During that year I had lost physical weight as well… about 3o pounds. So when she saw me she was a little surprised. She said all the wonderful, complimentary things about how I looked and thought there was something different about me.

I somewhat offhandedly remarked that what she was struggling to define was the amount of mental weight I had lost that was perhaps even more noticeable but harder to pinpoint.

But what is mental weight?

I have been working on developing a definition because this is the very area that I want to help people with. I know that the transformation I am making is not unique to me. It is a result of tools, thought work, and becoming more aware and intentional with my thoughts and inner dialogue.

So here is my working definition:

Mental weight is an accumulation of those things that “weigh” on your mind. This could include things such as what you are worried about, procrastinating on, and feeling anxious towards.

Personally, a lot of my mental weight comes from the expectations that I have for myself. Those expectations show up in the ways that I tell myself I “should” be. More specifically, it is in the ways that I tell myself I should be “more”- more present, more productive, more compassionate, more knowledgeable.

And as wonderful and altruistic as that sounds, thinking I need to be more means that on some level I am still thinking that I currently am not enough.

To give you a visual for your mental weight, it is as if you are carrying around a backpack. This backpack we carry with us everywhere. The mental and emotional weight we carry are like bricks in our backpack – weighing us down.

So what are some other bricks that we might be carrying around in our backpacks?

Maybe they are habits that don’t serve us – numbing behaviors such as watching things that don’t feed our souls, eating food that doesn’t really feed our bodies, and recycling thoughts that don’t feed our minds.

Where did some of these beliefs come from? Are they inherited from our parents? Did we learn them from a teacher or mentor? Are they old memories we keep replaying? Or are they feelings we are avoiding that are just brewing under the surface?

Maybe you think these are all things that are just a part of life – a part of being a responsible adult in the world. So what? It could be worse.

But when we tell ourselves it is just a part of life and we stop noticing the weight just because we are still functioning that we become complacent with the outcome.

What is the result of the “extra weight”?

It makes everything else in life a little harder. It makes life less fun and joyful.

Some researchers even suggest that the extra mental weight can often lead to extra physical weight as well. The stress hormones in our body can affect multiple things in our bodies. Not to mention that many of us engage in less than optimal behaviors that affect our health such as emotional eating and/or drinking to calm down or cheer ourselves up.

Take some time to watch the difference in how children and adults move in the world. Are children struggling under the weight of these invisible backpacks? Not usually. Children are often physically freer in their movements and the way they carry themselves.

But in today’s world children younger and younger are putting on their own invisible backpacks and starting to add their own bricks. How can we as adults help them to let go of those bricks? By doing that work ourselves and giving them an example to follow.

What are your thoughts about mental weight? Have you taken time to unpack your bricks and see them for what they are?

Mental weight is an accumulation of those things that “weigh” on your mind. This could include things such as what you are worried about, procrastinating on, and feeling anxious towards.
Personally, a lot of my mental weight comes from the expectations that I have for myself.

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

Maybe you think these are all things that are just a part of life – a part of being a responsible adult in the world. So what? It could be worse.
But when we tell ourselves it is just a part of life and we stop noticing the weight just because we are still functioning that we become complacent with the outcome.

Next week I will talk about some of the ways you can begin to “lose the weight”. You can offer yourself some relief from the load in your backpack. “Contact Me” and send me a quick email if you would like to let go of some of this extra weight for yourself. We can unpack your backpack together and see what bricks you have been carrying around. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss the weight you want to let go of and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!….. In the end!!! If it’s not good, it’s not the end!

4th of July – A Declaration of Independence

Today is July 4, 2022.

In the United States of America, we celebrate Independence Day, the day in 1776 when the Second Continental Congress formally adopted the Declaration of Independence.

That document was a formal statement justifying to the rest of the world the 13 American colonies break with Great Britain.

The Revolutionary War was already in full swing. The fighting between the colonies’ revolutionaries and British troops had been going on for over a year at this point, so England knew what these 13 colonies were thinking about the rule of King George III.

It wasn’t until October 19, 1781, that all guns fell silent—Cornwallis had surrendered at the Battle of Yorktown. The war was over.

Even still, it took until September 3, 1783, for Great Britain to formally recognized the independence of the United States in the Treaty of Paris.

As I was thinking of The Declaration of Independence this weekend, I started to formulate my own Declaration of Independence.

What independence am I asserting for myself right now? What are my “grievances” that need to be formally adopted? Who do I need to tell?

The exciting part for me is that I don’t really need to tell anyone, and yet here I am telling you. 🙂

So in very rough-draft form, here is the beginning of my own personal Declaration of Independence. Really it is just the formative thoughts that will lead to my declaration. These are the areas of independence I am creating for myself:

Independence from the added, and unnecessary level of suffering in my life that comes from my thoughts of self-judgment and self-criticism.
Independence from the worry and anxiety that my brain likes to conjure up and offer to me regularly.
Independence from trying to control everything – because, as much as I hate to admit it, I can’t.
Independence from the expectations of those around me and most importantly the expectations that I place on myself. Freedom from the “shoulds” and “coulds” that my thoughts can create.
Independence from the “compare and despair” cycle that follows my comparison with others. I don’t need to compete with anyone. The only person I choose to compare myself against is the person I was yesterday.
Independence from the opinions of others. People who can trigger my emotions have power over me. I want to choose wisely to who I will give that power.
Independence of staying calm. Staying calm is the superpower of the strong.
Independence in my relationships. This allows me to show up how I want to rather than spending so much energy on how the other person needs to show up for me to feel a certain way.
Independence in how I choose to respond to any given situation. I can stop reacting like it is out of my control.
Independence in my own emotional health and wellbeing.

Now, as lovely and empowering as these may sound I am still in the middle of this revolution. Yes, the revolution started for me years ago and I have made so much progress towards the person I am choosing to become. At the same time I can also recognize that the person that I am today is imperfectly perfect just as I am while choosing to create something new.

The Declaration of Independence did not mark the end of the Revolutionary War. In fact, there were many more years before the British relented. The same is true for my own declarations.

In some ways, my battle for independence in these areas will continue to be like losing and/or gaining ground in this pursuit. And my declaration allows me to join forces with others around me who can aid and support me as I do.

What independence am I asserting for myself right now? What are my “grievances” that need to be formally adopted? Who do I need to tell?
The exciting part for me is that I don’t really need to tell anyone, and yet here I am telling you. 🙂

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

The Declaration of Independence did not mark the end of the Revolutionary War. In fact, there were many more years before the British relented. The same is true for my own declarations.

Maybe one day those former thoughts and behaviors will surrender and no longer show up for the fight. But even if that day never comes, I can gain the strength and character to respond more often than react, to trust my own inner wisdom more than the opinions of others, to let go of self-criticism and show up with more self-compassion. I am fully certain that as I move through this process I will be able to cultivate the desired “internal freedom” that I want more of in my life.

I have spent the past two years learning and coaching hundreds of people on how to create their own independence as well. It is a continual process but one that we can develop. “Contact Me” and send me a quick email if you would like to create more independence for yourself. We can discuss your “grievances” and ways to create change. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

In the meantime, I will be enjoying a hotdog and ice cream before I find a beautiful fireworks display to revel in!!

Happy Independence Day!!!

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!….. In the end!!! If it’s not good, it’s not the end!

Parenthetical Thoughts

If you were to Google “How many thoughts do you have per day” you would get a varied response.

Some experts say it is 50,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day while others say it is more like 6,000 to 20,000 thoughts per day.

If you look further into it they estimate that 95% of those thoughts are repetitive and 80% of the thoughts are negative.

Is it any surprise that we don’t notice all the thoughts our brain is giving us? If you are like me, I attempt to write down some of those thoughts, and more often than not my brain goes blank!

It’s like walking into a dark room and flipping on the light switch only to see all the cockroaches scatter and disappear. (Just for the record…That visual makes me very nearly physically sick but it sums it up pretty nicely :))

The thoughts that I can manage to start with usually seem to be well intended; somewhat motivating ideas that can sounds good but still leave me feeling not that great.

As I take time and look at what is really going on it is not these first thoughts that seem to be slowing me down. It is the thought that comes from those thoughts. Some coaches call them “parenthetical thoughts”.

Some examples:

“I am getting better (but I am still not where I should be)”

“I want to be a good mom (and I am not being a good mom)”

“I finished many of the things on my to-do list (but there are still a lot undone)”

“I will figure this out (but I should know this already)”

“I am making this work (but I should be going faster)”

“I just want everyone to be happy (and if they aren’t it’s a problem)”

“She can do it her own way (but my way would be better)”

Many times the parenthetical thoughts have some layer of judgment involved. It could be judgment for others but often it is judgment of ourselves.

When we see the world in some unspoken standard of excellence that we or those around us are not meeting in some way, we tend to focus on the lack and think that there is something wrong with us.

What would happen if we showed up with more compassion and curiosity for ourselves and for others?

How could we reframe these thoughts?

Maybe they could look something like this….

“I am right where I am meant to be, and I am excited to see what comes up for me.”

“I am a good mom, and sometimes I am a mess of a mom, and that’s okay.”

“Even though I want everyone to be happy, I want each of them to feel however they are feeling and I can support them in that.”

Sometimes when we see the underlying thoughts we can see them for what they are and just let them go entirely. Like the undone things on our to-do list, our brain will tells us there is always more we could do.

Is it any surprise that we don’t notice all the thoughts our brain is giving us? If you are like me, and I attempt to write down some of those thoughts, and more often than not my brain goes blank!

CONTACT ME

ABOUT ME

SCHEDULE A CONSULT

When we see the world in some unspoken standard of excellence that we or those around us are not meeting in some way, we tend to focus on the lack and think that there is something wrong with us.

The trick is recognizing those thoughts as just sentences our brain is offering and not making them mean anything. If there is always something more we can do, then there is no way we can ever be done. We get to decide what we want to do, and decide when it is enough.

I can help you find the parenthetical thoughts in your life. Noticing the underlying thoughts we can decide if they are serving in some way or if they can be reframed or even just be let go. I can help you let the thoughts go and move you closer to a lighter feeling overall. “Contact Me” and send me a quick email and we can find how you want to move forward. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to see if coaching is helpful for you.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!