Michelle Keil Coaching

Rest vs. Laziness

This week is a week of resting for me and my husband.

I could tell myself that I am being lazy. Heaven knows I have done that a lot in my life.

“You are trying to build a business here!! You are missing out on over a week’s worth of “work”!”

“Instead of making money you are wasting money!”

“You should be focusing on what’s next for you business.”

“Your clients can’t even reach you! You should be there for them!”

All thoughts I have had leading up to this trip.

But for as much as our brain wants to tell us all the things we are doing wrong when we are resting, we should give at least equal airtime to all the benefits resting provides.

Here are just a few examples….

Benefits of restful sleep include:

Get sick less often.
Stay at a healthy weight.
Lower your risk for serious health problems, like diabetes and heart disease.
Reduce stress and improve your mood.
Think more clearly and do better in school and at work.
Get along better with people.

In a world where we are all near constantly looking at screens, resting our eyes is a good choice. The recommended rest is the 20-20-20 rule. Every 20 minutes take a 20 second break to look at something 20 feet away. Another suggestion is resting your eyes for 15 minutes every 2 hours of screen time.

Closing your eyes calms your mind and relaxes your muscles and organs. It has been called “quiet wakefulness”. When you take time to rest your eyes, you are basically telling your body it’s safe and can take a break from focusing or thinking.

In an exercise program, rest days are the days for allowing the muscles to grow. As we exercise we are actually creating micro tears in the muscle fibers. During our periods of rest the muscles have time to restore and repair. This is when the tissues are able to heal and grow even stronger.

Incorporating rest and relaxation into our work life has many benefits as well. Some include:

Renewing our energy levels
Restoring and repairing our body
Improving our mood
Increasing focus
Increasing creativity

So what is the difference between true rest and just plain laziness?

The difference is results.

One way to find out is by how you think of yourself while you are doing it.

You can rest and have a high opinion of yourself and your work. No justification is required.

When you are being lazy, or resting before your results, you require excuses and explanations while dreading the amount of work you haven’t done.

Don’t get me wrong here!! I have spent the majority of my life chasing my worth and value in the results I can produce. Do more to provide more value and be of more worth!! There are times I still manage to get caught up in that.

But what I am talking about this time is more an internal measure than external.

Laziness, we tell ourselves, is resting. But the truth is it’s laziness because we are resting ahead of time. We haven’t done the work. We haven’t made the effort.

Often our laziness is a result of the thoughts we have about the work that we think we need to do or want to do. In the process we come up with invalid reasons for not doing it. We call it “rest” ahead of time because we predetermine the difficulty that awaits us while we are really creating a greater amount of stress from our procrastination. This in turn makes us work harder to complete projects on a designated timeline.

But what if we didn’t have to create that sense of stress to accomplish things? What if we just determined that we could finish the task and then rest?

If we are taking advantage of regular times of rest then our productivity while working can be greatly increased. But this also requires focus and effort when we are working. It requires some discipline.

The good news is even if we aren’t good at that focus and discipline yet, we can improve. Every time we don’t “feel like” doing something and we do it anyway we are overcoming laziness. And just like our muscles, the more we exercise that ability, the stronger we get.

You can pack your day full to achieve your desired results knowing that rest is coming afterwards. What are we trying to produce? Producing those results and then resting is never laziness.

So what is the difference between true rest and just plain laziness?
The difference is results.
One way to find out is by how you think of yourself while you are doing it.
You can rest and have a high opinion of yourself and your work. No justification is required.
When you are being lazy, or resting before your results, you require excuses and explanations while dreading the amount of work you haven’t done.

I’m Michelle. I am learning how to minimize my overwhelm, perfectionism, and people-pleasing and I am ready to help you do the same. I’m a certified Life Coach and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Come with me and learn how.

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Often our laziness is a result of the thoughts we have about the work we think we need to do or want to do. In the process we come up with invalid reasons for not doing it. We call it “rest” ahead of time because we predetermine the difficulty that awaits us while we are really creating a greater amount of stress from our procrastination. This in turn makes us work harder to complete projects on a designated timeline.

Procrastination is more often than not fueled by fear of some type. Postponing fear or trying to avoid it just increases the fear. Allowing that fear to be there while still moving towards our desired result is where our true power lies.

If greater productivity and overall happiness is what we want to work towards, maybe we need to look at how much time we are allowing ourselves to rest.

I can help you take a look at what you are calling “laziness” and where you might find time to rest. Sometimes it is just noticing our thought patterns and understanding the importance of our thoughts that makes the biggest difference. “Contact Me” and send me a quick email and we can check it out. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss how you can make time for more productivity and rest in your life and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Obstacles and the Motivational Triad

We have a goal in mind.

We have a result we are working towards.

We have a timeline we would like to achieve it in.

We are 3 weeks into those “resolutions” and that is typically when the majority of us have given up on those plans.

The excitement of reaching the result is wearing off, and the reality of continuously showing up regularly to accomplish it is hard on the day to day.

You have found your way to any number of the many obstacles that our brain offers up to us when we are trying to do something new or different.

We all have will power and that will serve us well…..for a time. But at some point, will power runs out because it is a finite commodity. And when it does, we usually pile on guilt and shame for not being “self-disciplined” or “motivated enough” to maintain that finite resource. So how do we fuel change beyond will power?

Douglas J. Lisle and Dr. Alan Goldhamer developed what is termed the “Motivational Triad”. Basically it is the operating system of our mid-brain or Limbic System. I usually refer to this area of the brain as the “caveman brain”. This is where the most powerful motivational and emotional systems reside. These are our survival instincts.

The three parts of the triad are:

Seek pleasure, desires and comfort (food, reproduction, shelter, acceptance, connection, recognition, alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Avoid pain (physical and mental/emotional- think fear, anxiety, scarcity, anger, etc.)
Be efficient and conserve energy (repetitive functions, “automation”, the path of least resistance for parts 1 and 2)

It is important to remember that the motivational triad is there to protect us. It was what kept us alive in caveman times. It has been the human operating system for hundreds of thousands of years. So it is not surprising that as we have “outgrown” the need for some of these systems, we forget that such growth has only been in our most recent history of the past hundred years, evolutionarily speaking.

While it is a protection overall, when we are trying to make changes for ourselves…..exercise, eat healthier, lose weight, learn a new skill…..this motivational triad can be an obstacle when it makes us risk averse, overly cautious, and hesitant.

Why is this knowledge important?

Now that we know what our brain is going to tell us, we can make a plan to overcome those obstacles. That plan comes from our higher brain, or pre-frontal cortex, where we find reasoning, logic, planning, research, etc.

When we make a decision using our higher brain, we can calm the influx of thoughts and emotions from our caveman brain and continue on our way. Just knowing they will come up helps us to allow them to be there without having to turn over the controls to them.

In the example of exercise…. it is usually in complete resistance to the motivational triad. It should come as no surprise that your brain will tell you that going to the gym and lifting weights is….

A) Not pleasurable
B) Will most likely cause pain – somewhat during and maybe after doing it
C) It will not conserve energy – in fact it will require extra energy to be expended

Your brain will remember the previous times that you went to the gym. The difficulty you faced, the soreness of your muscles during the workout and maybe even the next day. It will remind you of the show on Netflix that you wanted to watch 🙂

Oddly enough what our brain doesn’t focus on remembering is the release of “good chemicals” that come from exercise. The strength we feel afterwards. The feeling of accomplishment and self confidence. Remember our brain is predisposed towards negativity so focusing on the drawbacks of going to the gym should not surprise us.

Anytime we decide to make a change for ourselves, our brain is going to give us reasons why we shouldn’t…why it would be better to remain where we are…why new things are so dangerous to try.

That doesn’t mean that we should never try new things. It means that knowing that there are two parts of our brain which will always be in conflict, we can move forward anticipating the challenges that will come up.

The one part of our brain wants us to remain safe, to stay “in the cave” where we know what to expect, to accept things the way they are. The other part of our brain set on our growth and development; Learning new things, going on adventures, taking risks in the unknown.

Life is about finding the way we manage those two contradictory parts of ourselves and reconciling them together to make us whole. Finding who we are is finding the balance between the parts.

It is knowing that both of these parts are given to us to help us. The one side trying to keep us safe, keep us protected, keep up alive. The other side trying to keep us growing, keep us progressing, keep us improving.

We all have will power and that will serve us well…for a time. But at some point, will power runs out because it is a finite commodity. And when it does, we usually pile on guilt and shame for not being “self-disciplined” or “motivated enough” to maintain that finite resource. So how do we fuel change beyond will power?

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The three parts of the [motivational] triad are:
~Seek pleasure, desires and comfort (food, reproduction, shelter, acceptance, connection, recognition, alcohol, drugs, etc.)
~Avoid pain (physical and mental/emotional – think fear, anxiety, scarcity, anger, etc.)
~Be efficient and conserve energy (repetitive functions, “automation”, the path of least resistance of for parts 1 and 2)

When we learn to leverage those parts together that is where true power lies. When we feel the feelings of fear or anxiety because we are putting ourselves out there…in danger of failure…yet we still continue forward, we gain strength and power. When we consciously choose feelings of discomfort in the present for a greater outcome in the future, we create new pathways in our brain. We start to learn and develop a new “operating system” to live by. One that can see the risk, weigh the reward and move forward with a belief in ourselves that we can handle the emotions that will come in an effort to become something more.

Not because what we are isn’t enough, or because there is something to prove to others. But simply because we want to experience new things, stretch ourselves beyond our current limits and learn more of what we are truly capable of.

Obstacles will always come up for us as we evolve. It is the anticipation of those obstacles that help us to meet them when they appear, not as flaws or weakness, but just as a part of being human.

If I can help you create a plan for overcoming your own obstacles “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

1% Goals vs Impossible Goals

For the majority of my life I have found my value and worth through what I had to offer to others, what results I achieved, or my performance value.

I see myself as a recovering perfectionist and am now coming to accept that my worth is inherent. I am personalizing that worth has nothing to do with me, but all worth comes from the Creators that created me. For me those Creators are my Heavenly parents, God the Father and God the Mother. They are the Creators of my spirit and so the parents of my divine nature. I have inherited things through their divine DNA. Because of Them I have inherited my divine nature and an infinite worth that is unchangeable.

That is a shift for me. As a perfectionist, I would set goals and work towards them. But at the moment that “perfection” was in jeopardy, I would, more often than not, abandoned the goal altogether. And with the release of the goal went the release of my self worth.

This kept me from “failing” by not finishing a goal with less than perfection. But in reality, I was just failing ahead of time by abandoning the goal. And my perception of my worth was increasingly damaged along the way.

Over the past several years I have been doing the work on my own self and working towards a healthier lifestyle in all areas of life: mental, physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Sometimes I am more successful in that than others, or in one area more than others. I find it has it’s own ebb and flow. But I also know that I have a greater impact on that ebb and flow than I previously gave myself credit for.

So what does any of this have to do with 1% Goals and Impossible Goals?

When I set goals in the past, it would be in an effort to “fix” all the things that were lacking in me. I would usually try to improve every area of my life all at once in multiple ways. It would be through massive changes that had no way to be sustainable for more than a few days or weeks, let alone years.

I reinforced to myself that I just couldn’t change “who I was” with behavior modification. I was too broken and beyond fixing. I had never been successful in the past, so why continue trying?

For the past year and a half I didn’t focus on the behavior modification as much as the mental modification. What if I wasn’t broken? What if I didn’t need “fixing”? Is that even a possibility?

I changed less about the physical things I did and how I physically showed up, but I have changed so much about the way I mentally and emotionally show up….for others, and most importantly for myself.

So as we moved into this year, as generally happens, people talked of goals and what grand things they want to achieve in 2022. One of the tools we commonly use in coaching is referred to as the “Impossible Goal”. Always working towards an impossible goal to stretch ourselves, and to prove what is possible.

My brain was being extremely resistant to the idea of goals at all. But I have been especially resistant to an Impossible Goal. I was stuck in the patterns of the past and not wanting to put myself at “risk” of failure in such a big way.

So I spent some time mulling over the concept of this Impossible goal. And at the same time I began looking more and more at James Clear and his concept of 1% change as he outlines in his book Atomic Habits. How could the two work together and become somewhat synergistic? What could that look like?

So this year I am working on a new experiment. I have in fact, set an impossible goal for myself. And different than in years previously, I have been telling people what that impossible goal is. That hasn’t been the way I operated previously. In the past I wouldn’t tell anyone about my goals until I actually achieved them because of the shame I would feel when I would inevitably “fail”.

But now I have redefined what “failure” means to me. And with my definition, I will always be able to achieve whatever I decide to achieve as long as I remain committed to that end. Failure is just a tool for me to grow and develop into the person who is able to achieve that end.

As I discussed my impossible goal today with my older daughter she made the observation that my goal is not even impossible. Hard? Yes; But not impossible.

As a perfectionist, I would set goals and work towards them. But at the moment that “perfection” was in jeopardy, I would, more often than not, abandon the goal altogether. And with the release of the goal went the release of my self worth.

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…my impossible goal is impossible more so because it requires me to show up for myself consistently, for a year…..in a loving and compassionate way. Not berating myself to do it just so I could say I achieved it.
The goal isn’t about “the goal” so much as it is about the person I become in the process.

And that’s when it all came into clear view for me as I explained it to her. My impossible goal is a physical goal. But it is not so much impossible because I couldn’t physically do it, although if it were this weekend it would be pretty close to impossible to complete and still be able to move :). But my impossible goal is impossible more so because it requires me to show up for myself consistently, for a year…..in a loving and compassionate way. Not berating myself to do it just to say I achieved it.

The goal isn’t about “the goal” so much as it is about the person I become in the process.

And that is where I am intertwining the 1% goals with the Impossible goal.

In his book, Clear talks about the small 1% changes that we can make habits that move us towards not just what we want to achieve, but who we want to become. It’s not a goal to run a specific race but to become someone who is active and values exercise; Not to complete a specific course or degree but to become someone who values life long learning; Not to paint a picture but to become someone who creates; Not to practice meditation everyday for a month but to become someone who is a calm and centered person.

As of today, I do not think I could possibly run nearly 47 miles over three consecutive day, but I can walk/run 2 miles today. And that will move me toward my impossible goal. I don’t have to kill myself in the process. This is real “Tortoise and the Hare” type stuff for me. I have a plan. I just need to execute my plan and my goal is as good as done.

Next week I will tell you why that will be harder that it sounds 🙂

If you would like help and support along with tools that can guide you in your 1% goals “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work towards and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

2022 -Resolutions and Choosing our Results

Today I want to speak a little bit about creating your own results.

We have talked about the model and how our circumstances are neutral; our thoughts about the circumstances create our feelings; our feelings drive all our actions; our actions give us our results.

So what if you start with a result that you want to achieve and work your way backwards? What does that look like?

So instead of the model following in order of Circumstance>Thought>Feeling>Action>Result let’s reverse that to Result<Action<Feeling<Thought<Circumstance.

In both cases the circumstance can be the same. And you can still create a different result. I will use weight loss as a example.

First, we will start with the following model:

C – I weigh 175 pounds
T – I need to lose 25 pounds
F – Overwhelmed
A – try to find “the best” way to lose weight, not deciding on or making any effort to change my actions, soothe myself with food, judge my current weight, beat myself up for not being more disciplined, etc.
R – I don’t lose any weight and sometimes even gain more weight

It is just an observation of what is presently happening. Thinking that I need to lose 25 pounds sounds very motivating, but in reality it brings a feeling of overwhelm which can lead to the opposite actions from what will get me to where I want to go.

So let’s reverse the model and see how that can help us. I like to think of it as a “Choose Your Own Adventure”….(does anyone else remember reading those books as a kid?)

We will start with the same circumstance, but work from the result that we want to achieve as follows:

R – I weigh 150 pounds
A – ???
F – ???
T – ???
C – I weigh 175 pounds

So to complete our new model we need to get curious about ourselves.

What are the actions that will help me get to 150 pounds?

If we reduce it strictly to math and science, the only way for anyone to lose any weight, ever, is a calorie deficit. Consume fewer calories than you burn.

So that’s one action. But there is more to it as well. You need to look at all the aspects of helping your body work well….. are you getting enough sleep? drinking enough water? choosing healthier options when you do eat? eating when you are actually hungry, not when you are bored, lonely, sad, tired and stressed? are you moving your body?

And what are you telling yourself in the process? Will this result be what makes you feel better about yourself? Will you be more wothy when you weigh less? We know that isn’t possible because losing weight won’t change our feeling…that requires changing our thoughts.

So our model is getting more complete:

R – I weigh 150 pounds
A – eat only when hungry, drink half my body weight in in ounces of water each day water, sleep 7 hours, move my body more, no judgements or shame
F – ???
T – ???
C – I weigh 175 pounds

So what if you start with a result that you want to achieve and work your way backwards? What does that look like?

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Our brains are tricky things, and what seems helpful and motivational may be doing just the opposite. That’s okay! We just need to become aware of it and redirect it. We can do that with the thoughts we choose.

Knowing some of the actions necessary to reach our desired result, what feeling would motivate us, and fuel those actions? We have seen overwhelm doesn’t work. Maybe for you it is a feeling of determination. Or it could be a feeling of commitment. What about a feeling of love for yourself? How would those feelings motivate you to act and “speak” to yourself? One of the best questions to find the feeling can be, “Why?” Why would you choose to do all the actions?

We will chose commitment for this example:

R – I weigh 150 pounds
A – eat only when hungry, drink half my body weight in in ounces of water each day water, sleep 7 hours, move my body more, no judgements or shame
F – Commitment
T – ???
C – I weigh 175 pounds

Getting curious again, what will you need to think to feel that commitment? Let me tell you what commitment never seems to come from: any statement that contains the words “should”, “have to”, or even “need to”. For me to be committed, I choose to be the one deciding. My commitment comes from thoughts like, “I am choosing to do this for myself.” or “This may be hard, but I have done hard things before”. Maybe it’s something like “I want to take care of myself and my body”. Again we can ask ourselves “Why?”.

R – I weigh 150 pounds
A – eat only when hungry, drink half my body weight in in ounces of water each day water, sleep 7 hours, move my body more, no judgements or shame
F – Commitment
T – I want to take care of myself and my body
C – I weigh 175 pounds

Now we have a model to work with that can actually help us to achieve the results we are working towards. And now we can see how we can start with a result to achieve any result we choose.

What is a result you want? Get clear on it. Determine the steps involved to get you there. Now determine what you will need to feel that will fuel you to work through the necessary steps. Choose what you want to think to generate that feeling. You can do this!!!

The interesting thing to note is that most of the feelings necessary to reach any specific growth outcome are almost always feelings that we might find are uncomfortable or even “negative”. That is completely normal. Our brain is not comfortable doing things that take added energy, and put us at “risk”. Our brain views “failure” as a huge risk that should be avoided at all costs.

The truth is “failure” can be our greatest teacher and help us with the most growth. It is in the very act of pushing themselves back up and balancing themselves after a fall that babies develop the muscles and strength needed to learn to walk. But that is a different topic for a different day :).

When you decide a result you want, and would like some help finding your way to get there, I can help. Maybe you just need someone to help you notice what your current thoughts are bringing you. Our brains are tricky things, and what seems helpful and motivational may be doing just the opposite. That’s okay! We just need to become aware of it and redirect it. We can do that with the thoughts we choose.

If you want to work with me on reaching for a new result “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

You can choose your own adventure (result :))! But you will need to begin by choosing your thoughts today! When you decide what direction you want to go you can make any result happen. You just have to be willing to do what it takes, and feel all the feelings along the way.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

A Gift for Yourself This Christmas

In just 5 more days it is Christmas. Many of us are busying ourselves with the gifts and treats and all the things we do for others. But what are you giving yourself in the process?

What are you creating for yourself in the midst of all the hustle and bustle? Are you giving yourself the Christmas you want to create or are you too busy creating the Christmas everyone around around has come to expect of you?

You can totally focus on everyone else at Christmas, and it is highly encouraged… for women especially. Make sure you have the perfect gift….Set the beautiful table….The food and drinks, the décor, the atmosphere…..the cards and letters….and on and on. No time to be “selfish”; focus on others.

But what if a little time or money spent on yourself could make everyone’s holiday that much better? How is that possible you ask?

Well if I’m being perfectly honest, it probably isn’t possible, but it’s also not your job to make everyone else’s holiday wonderful.

But chances are, others might feel differently about the holidays if you were acting differently. The underlying current of resentment and/or overwhelm has an untold effect on how you interact with others as well.

So this year what if you gave yourself the gift of a different feeling?

What is it you want to feel this Christmas? Is it overwhelm? Is it “not-enough-ness”? Is it exhaustion? Those seem unlikely choices we would make, but that can be what we are giving ourselves in this whole process.

If we go back to the premise that it is our thoughts that generate our feelings/emotions then how would you choose to feel? If we were at a fancy party together and the caterer came up to us with a beautiful fancy silver tray, and on it were all the emotions, what would you choose?

For myself, I am choosing contentment. I have long list of all the things that “should” get done for Christmas. I have an extensive “manual” for what the holiday “should” look like and how all the people around me “should” behave. But the fact of the matter is, even having had this “manual” for several decades now, the holiday rarely looks or plays out the way my manual says it should for it to be a success.

For too long I have judged myself (and others) because the result didn’t match the imaginary, and in so doing have brought some uncomfortable feelings into my life. Not all uncomfortable feelings are “bad” necessarily, but many of them are not at all helpful. A good portion of the uncomfortable feelings we generate for ourselves are just an added measure of suffering due to our own feelings of shame, guilt, disappointment, judgement (for ourselves and others), comparison, and over all not-enoughness.

The thing to learn is that those “added” feelings can be completely optional. Yes we can feel disappointed that someone acted in a way that we didn’t like. But we can still choose how we want to show up in response to that. My goal is to show up for them, and more importantly for myself, with love and compassion.

We can create the holiday that we want for ourselves no matter what others may or may not do.

For us to be able to do this we need to recognize what thoughts will help us generate the feelings we want. And we don’t want to do this in such a way that we are pretending everything is perfect and wonderful. I have learned that I can choose to feel content even when things don’t go according to plan.

What if we could allow everyone to feel however they want to feel this holiday? I might look different than years past but that might be exactly what we all need, this year especially.

The opportunity to show up as our authentic selves and allow others that same freedom is quite a gift, indeed!

Are you giving yourself the Christmas you want to create or are you too busy creating the Christmas everyone around you has come to expect of you?

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Not all uncomfortable feelings are “bad” necessarily, but many of them are not helpful at all. A good portion of the uncomfortable feelings we generate for ourselves are just an added measure of suffering due to our own feelings of shame, guilt, disappointment, judgement (for ourselves and others) comparison, and over all not-enoughness.

If you need some help with this gift to yourself, you want to work with me learning how to create this gift by hitting the “Contact Me” link and sending me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free 45 minute session to discuss what you want and how to get there.

There is still time to get this gift! There are no supply chain issues that will hold up delivery. But it is up to you. You can decide! You can begin to be intentional about your thoughts. It is a gift that is priceless, and keeps on giving. Not only to you but to your loved ones and friends. They will begin to notice a difference in you.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Year End Practices

We are in the month of December and less than 4 weeks away from a new year. What are your plans for the next 4 weeks?

Do you have lots of holiday parties to plan? Or to attend? Concerts to enjoy? Decorating to do? Cookies and other goodies to bake? Gifts to buy and wrap?

Have you scheduled a time to evaluate the previous year?

Look back and take note of the things you have done. What worked well? What did not work well? Did you have some “failures” in there?

For most of my life, I have not done this. Whenever I might have thought about looking at the past year a few things happened…..

my brain started with the exponentially long list of things that I didn’t accomplish that I planned to do
my brain started enumerating the many things I presently “should” be doing instead of “wasting” my time with this
my brain started searching out and finding all the many varied ways that I had failed.

Not surprising that I didn’t make a regular practice of it sooner!! 🙂

My husband and I were talking just a few days ago about the change in our current life. As the parents of six kids the past 25+ years have been filled with multiple activities on multiple (if not all) days of the week; driving to and from practices, games, concerts, recitals, etc.

This year has felt like the most dramatic adjustment. I mean our kids have been leaving us/moving out/ moving out of state for over 8 years now. So what makes this year different?

In September, our youngest son (18) moved out of state. We now had just our youngest daughter (16) at home with us.

Our kids have always been heavily involved in athletics so it was not uncommon for one or more of our kids to be participating in 2 sports at the same time through junior high and high school. This year started out similar but only on a smaller scale.

Our daughter is a soccer player who decided to join the varsity football team this year. The first 6 weeks of her school year looked like:

Football practice at 5:30 am at the high school
Showering at the school for classes to start at 7:30am
going to class from 7:30 to 2:20 with no lunch
Coming home and 3 nights a week going to soccer practice from 8-9:30 pm
Football games on Friday nights
Soccer games and tournaments on Saturdays/Sundays
Student Council responsibilities, etc.
As well as the social life of a teenager 😉

This made my life a little busy since she wasn’t driving yet.

But as my husband and I were discussing, we are at a strange point in our lives where we have SO. MUCH. TIME. Relatively speaking.

Our busy, over scheduled daughter got injured in game #3 of the football season. The recovery for her injury is 6-9 months. For us that means no soccer games, or tournaments, no practices 3 nights a week. No choir concerts or band concerts.

We have time.

I am working for myself. Starting a private coaching practice and deciding what that should look like, how it will work, and what I need to do to make that happen is new territory for me. And as much as my brain tells me to “hustle” and “grind” to bring it all into reality, that is not the life I want to design for myself so I am taking my time. I am allowing things to develop organically. I am not acting desperate and needy for this to make tons of money because that is not my motivation. I want to alleviate some of the mental weight I see others carrying around with them. Weight loss is part of my new endeavor……… but it’s the mental weight loss that I love the most.

Look back and take note of the things you have done. What worked well? What did not work well? Did you have some failures in there?

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We were not meant to only go through this life, in this world, being acted upon and reacting to various situations. We were made to be beings that that act for themselves. We were created to be creators. We can create the life we want but it will take work.

And that is where my personal work lies as well. You see as this year comes to an end, I am making a list of all the things that happened week to week during 2021. As we are in week 50 of 52 it is an extensive list. It has taken me hours to compile. But before I started making the list my brain was telling me I hadn’t done all that much. It’s a lie!!!

I’m not saying I am some anomaly or crazy effective person, but I have done things that hold value for me in creating the life I want for myself and my family. If I am including important events, family gatherings, friendly get-togethers, significant projects and the like, it is a list I like looking at.

Next, I will take the list and place those significant events into several aspects of who I am and who I am becoming. Areas such as

Person life, Family
Career, Studies
Friends, Community
Relaxation, Hobbies, Creativity
Physical Health, Fitness
Mental Health, Self-Knowledge
Habits

I can evaluate the things I have learned, improved on, been surprised by, completed, done for others, risked, and decided for my self. I can reflect on what I can be proud of, people who influenced me, people I influenced, things I didn’t accomplish, what I have discovered about myself, and what I am most grateful for.

I can look at how I accomplished the things that I did accomplish and discover the actions that made it happen. I can examine the challenges I faced and how I worked to overcome them. I can recognize the people who helped me in both of those areas.

I can ask for and offer forgiveness for those around me and most importantly for myself. I can offer myself closure for the things of 2021 that I can now just let go of.

From that place of recognition and acknowledgement you can move forward into what you want to create for 2022. What do dream of for the new year? What do you want to love about yourself? What are you ready to let go of? What do you hope to achieve? Who can you rely on as you face challenges?

Decide this month who you want to become by December of 2022 and then formulate the plan…. The actions it will take, the emotions you will need to fuel those actions, the thoughts necessary generate those emotions.

We were not meant to only go through this life, in this world, being acted upon and reacting to various situations. We were made to be beings that act for themselves. We were created to be creators. We can create the life we want but it will take work. And as much as the blood, sweat and tears method works for a moderately sustainable time, will power will give out because it is a finite resource.

So what does it take other than will power? Self discipline? Tenacity? Being hyper-vigilant and self-critical to make yourself “better”?

What it will take is compassion. Compassion for ourselves when things don’t go as planned, for not knowing how, and for sometimes getting it wrong.

And it will take curiosity to look at how what others might view as failure is nothing more than an opportunity for growth and learning.

If you really want to make a change for yourself this year it starts with changing your thinking and the way you speak to yourself. This is what I mean by “mental weight loss”.

If you are ready to try a year end practice like this, check out yearcompass.com. Maybe you would like someone to help you as you navigate the process; someone who can help you see things from a different perspective. If you want to work with me on your year end practice of closing out the current year and planning the new year “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

The best news ever is that you don’t even have to wait for January 1st!! You can decide today! You can make a small change today! You can begin to acknowledge your thoughts today! And from there you can decide what direction you want to go.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Gratitude and a Negativity Diet

It’s November 29, 2021. Here in the United States most of us celebrated Thanksgiving last week. I love Thanksgiving for many reasons, but mostly because of the simplicity it can be.

Decorations for this particular holiday can be elaborate or simple, or none at all. The food can be elaborate or simple. There are no gifts, or predesigned rituals (although we manage to create plenty of those for ourselves :)).

It is a day where we can make as much or as little of the celebration as we like. I like it because it is time I spend focusing on how much I have to be grateful for and being with family.

So how can we make thanksgiving last longer in our lives? Maybe not the abundance of food, but the mindset. How can we develop a practice of gratitude?

I was visiting with a friend today who told me about her married daughter who we will call Jane. Jane had set a goal for herself to have a “No Complaining November”. Jane did not tell anyone of this goal in the beginning. Personally, I thought that sounded like quite a challenge for me, not that I feel like a huge complainer, but I definitely can find reason to complain now and then, even if most often it is just to myself.

What was interesting to my friend, and her daughter, and to me as she recounted it, was how challenging it was the first week. Jane felt like she couldn’t recount what had happened during her work day without complaining, which had the mother feeling like her daughter was closed off in their conversation. Remember, Jane did not tell her mother what she was trying to do.

During week two Jane did tell her mother why she was acting differently and determined she could reframe what recounting her work day looked like. Jane could talk about work in a “non-complaining” way and the mother felt Jane was more open with her. A seemingly small adjustment.

In week three was when the “magic” happened! Jane started to recognize that she had greater mental space each day because she wasn’t complaining. It freed her up to more easily recognize all the many things she already was truly grateful for in her life. She didn’t feel burdened trying to “find” her gratitude. It naturally and organically improved as she complained less.

So what does this mean for me and you?

Our brain seems to be pre-wired with a negativity bias. In my preliminary learning it appears to be the way we evolved. But we don’t need to judge it too harshly because this bias for negativity came in handy when life was more precarious than our present day.

This negativity kept us safe. Being skeptical of unknown plants kept us alive rather than eating something harmful. Being afraid of what might be in the brush kept us watchful for saber-toothed tigers and other dangerous animals that might eat us. Being part of the group meant safety and security.

What if we are still using that primitive part of our brain even when there are no saber-toothed tigers? What if the “safety” of that negativity has outlasted its usefulness? What if it is actually diminishing our ability to see our life for what it really is, and what it truly could become?

What would be your “saber-toothed tigers” today? For me, they have included the following to name a few:

Being seen as less than perfect
Earning or proving my worth and value
Financial status – Bank balance
Other people’s opinions
Making myself more visible

But these modern-day saber-toothed tigers will not kill us. They just cause us to feel emotions that we would rather not feel because they are uncomfortable and/or “negative”. And in our world successful people are happy all the time!!! At least that is what all the marketing and advertising tells us.

Our brain appears to be pre-wired with a negativity bias. In my preliminary learning it appears to be the way we evolved. But we don’t need to judge it too harshly because this bias for negativity came in handy when life was more precarious than our present day.

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If you subscribe to the belief that all of life can be 50-50, meaning 50% positive and 50% negative, how might this negativity bias be holding you back?
What might developing a practice of gratitude “open up” for you?

The other challenge that we face is that studies have shown that it takes 5 positive thoughts/experiences to offset one negative thought/experience. If you subscribe to the belief that all of life can be 50-50, meaning 50% positive and 50% negative, how might this negativity bias be holding you back? If it is held in our brain as a 5:1 ratio positive to negative, that makes our 50-50 life actually feel like 20% positive and 80% negative just because our brain holds on to the negative. What if life was actually 80% positive and 20% negative but this negativity bias skewed the balance?

What might developing a practice of gratitude “open up” for you? What if you decided, like Jane, to go on a “Negativity Diet”? What if you gave it up or restricted you negativity like you might restrict carbs or sugar? How much mental weight could you lose in a week? Two weeks? A month?

I am going to make a more intentional effort this month to restrict my “negativity” intake, or at least what I pack in my bag to carry around with me. I don’t believe it is possible to completely cut it out because I believe in neuroscience (I am a secret science nerd). But I do believe that even small efforts on my part can have dramatic effects on that same neuroscience. In fact, in some research it is believed to actually change our DNA and genetic markers. That possibility fascinates me.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not see my life as “Pollyanna”. There are definitely things that I choose to feel negatively about. However, I also don’t want my life to be like “Debbie Downer” either. Knowing that my brain is predisposed to the negative can help me make decisions for myself. I can consciously choose to “see” the positive and realize that more often than not the worst thing that can happen to me is just a feeling.

Maybe you are ready to try a new way of thinking. Maybe you are willing to do an experiment to see if it affects your emotions. Maybe your are open to trying something new. If you want to work with me on developing a practice of gratitude just “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. If you prefer, you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Holiday Preparations… The part you may have not prepared for yet

The holidays are upon us and preparations are in full swing for many of us. With Thanksgiving for those of us in the United States next week and Christmas next month there are a lot of us with lots of things to plan and prepare for.

Will you be with family or with friends? Maybe both? Who will be hosting the meal? How many people will be there? What assignments have been given to help with the menu? Do you have enough tables and chairs? Plates? Paper napkins or cloth? Silverware? Glassware? Chargers? How will you decorate the tables? Oh, is that just me?

Now you know why I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year. 🙂

My youngest had surgery a few weeks ago; I was out of town for the past week; I am getting ready to start a new job; I have home renovations that I still have not finished…..I have lots of excuses but we will call them “reasons” for now.

So just for those who may not know, I come from a very large, and what some seem surprised by, close family. We are spread out for sure. It would be hard not to be with our numbers between 95 and 100 (depending on the person counting :)).

So last year when I hosted “part” of my family for the thanksgiving meal, it wasn’t more than 45 people. 🙂 That can seem like a lot of people for some, but for us, it’s just fun. But I digress.

We had all the food assignments covered, we had the table cloths, chargers, silverware, glassware, plates, decor….. not fancy, but we aren’t all that fancy to begin with.

But, the part many people don’t prepare is their thinking around these holiday events. What do I mean by that?

So many of us struggle with time spent with family or friends because we are busy judging the situation for what it is not. We have created in our minds a story for how the “perfect” holiday get together should play out and reality is almost always a disappointment.

We have grand expectations for ourselves and others for how we/they will all act…… what will transpire…… no one will say something offensive to someone else…… everyone will be on time, not too early but definitely not late…… And we will all be happy all day long and have loving warm memories of this time we spent with one another.

But the reality is, people are going to be people, and things will not always go according to our “plan” and we may not have warm, wonderful feelings all the time. So what’s the problem? Unmet expectations.

In fact, it doesn’t have to be a problem at all. It is completely normal for us to have expectations or thoughts about how people should be. But when it becomes challenging is when we don’t manage or response to unmet expectations.

When people are not good at behaving the way that we expect them to, we are the ones who feel hurt, angry, or resentful. We punish ourselves when they are not good at being who we want them to be, or when they aren’t good at acting how we would act. They aren’t good at reading our manual (or our mind) for exactly how they should behave. What they are good at is being themselves.

So many of us struggle with time spent with family or friends because we are busy judging the situation for what it is not.

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When people are not good at behaving the way that we expect them to we are the ones who feel hurt, angry or resentful. We punish ourselves when they are not good at being who we want them to be, or when the aren’t good at acting how we would act. What they are good at is being themselves.

If we really want to be prepared for holiday gatherings, and time spent with family and friends we can take some time to clean up our thinking about the whole situation. Our brain will tells us all the “problems” that arise but when we have prepared we can reassure our brain that there are no problems at all.

What if you expected for everyone to show up exactly like themselves, and that was okay? What if someone didn’t follow through with something and it wasn’t a big deal? What if we just allowed others to feel whatever they wanted to feel about the situation and we didn’t take on the “responsibility” to make sure everyone was happy and having a wonderful time?

That is the magic, I think, of my family. There are so many of us, and we are all so different. But we allow each other to just show up as ourselves. We accept each other where we are at and encourage one another in our progression, but we allow what is. Are we perfect? NO!! But do we keep showing up for each other? Yes!! Every. Single. Time.

How might your holidays be different for you if you just challenged your own expectations for yourself and those around you? What if you just allowed yourself to think and feel whatever you wanted to about the holidays? What if you allowed everyone else to think and feel whatever they wanted to?

If you you want to prepare your thoughts and would like some help with that or if you want to learn some tools with me to see how you might need to “prepare” for your holidays, “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. Or you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

When Your Brain Gets Sidetracked

How does your brain talk to you when things may not go as planned? How distracted do you get in avoiding the boring, challenging or uncomfortable things you have in life? Are you able to notice what’s going on for you in the moment or is it in retrospect?

Once again, as seems to frequently happen, life took over more than usual last week. So, I thought maybe I would share with you the many things your brain could offer you if that ever happens for you.

Since we covered some of the background information in this post, I will go with that for now. I am beginning to wonder with my current pattern, if this might be a monthly occurrence, or if this is once again a special circumstance :). It almost feels like a deja vu post to some degree. And as much as I think I should change it, I can’t seem to gather my thoughts enough to make that happen.

So what is the Circumstance? Remember, the circumstance is merely the facts of the situation. And some of the “facts” of this situation are:

I did not publish a blog post last week as scheduled
I did not post on Instagram on Wednesday or Friday as scheduled
My daughter had ACL Reconstruction surgery on Tuesday
I had an interview for the coaching position at The Life Coach School on Wednesday
I gained 8 pounds in approximately 12 days

Now in theory none of those facts are neither positive or negative. Circumstances are just neutral. Yet my brain created so much drama around those facts and what they “mean” that I gained 8 pounds. That was a result that I created. Not something I am celebrating, but also not something I am beating myself up about. As I follow the “math”, meaning the emotions I was feeling and the actions they fueled, the result makes sense.

Rather than harsh judgment, I am trying to examine my thoughts with curiosity and compassion and keep in mind that I am human and that has made all the difference for my mental health and how I am able to show up for those around me and also for myself. Does it always work? Well, I am human so the answer is no. But, even if it only works some of the time, that is an improvement from what it was previously.

And the more frequently I take the time to look at my thoughts, and allow and process the emotions they are generating, the “better” I feel. Not because I don’t feel the uncomfortable emotions, but more so because when I feel uncomfortable emotions, I don’t need to add a layer of criticism and judgment on top of them to increase the mental pain. I can direct my actions in a more intentional manner, even when my brain offers me thoughts that may have previously produced less than desired results.

So what happened exactly? Well, it’s hard to say exactly, but with several areas that felt “out of control” my brain set to work “solving” for a sense of control. The most ironic thing about my brain searching for ways to control things is that more often than not it leads to less personal control over the things I do influence; my schedule, my food intake – both quantity and quality, my sleep, my focus, managing my thoughts. It’s like the perceived “lack of control” in some areas was a free pass to let go of practicing control in nearly all others.

What was I avoiding and what was I “controlling”? I was avoiding the disappointing feeling of letting myself down once again and not just doing the challenging thing to focus my brain and write a blog post. Does it really matter all that much? No it does not. Maybe not at all.

I was avoiding the uncomfortableness of waiting to hear the decision reached on my job interview by determining that I should spend time rearranging my shelves in my office when there are several other projects that could have been done. Did it have any effect on how quickly I received a reply with the next steps in the interview process? Nope….still waiting to hear.

In an attempt to avoid the sadness I felt for my daughter and her surgery and recovery, I tried to control her schedule and actions so that she would have “the best outcome” … like I know what that is.

In an attempt to ignore or avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being out of control (perceived of course, since that is just a thought) I used other things to buffer those feelings and dull their intensity. Sometimes it was with mindlessly scrolling on social media. Other times is was eating things I thought would make me feel better when I wasn’t hungry. It really wasn’t helpful that Halloween was this week and seemed to drag on for days because it was on the weekend. Buffering we will talk about in greater depth in the near future but one short definition is using a false sense of pleasure to numb or dull your current feelings to a net negative result.

In learning and practicing the tools of coaching and self-coaching, you may find that you can use them to help yourself and gain some new insight. Or you may find that you use them to beat yourself up and pass judgments on how far you still have to go.

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It is fascinating to me that for the most part people can be very compassionate and empathetic to their friends, and family members, yet it seems completely acceptable or maybe even expected to be critical and degrading to themselves. As if that was a great motivation for change.

In learning and practicing the tools of coaching and self-coaching, you may find that you can use them to help yourself and gain some new insight. Or you may find that you use them to beat yourself up and pass judgments on how far you still have to go. The human brain is more often wired for the later version of that story.

Even this blog post, being later than I would have like to post, has been an exercise in trying to focus. My brain has been extremely distracted all day. I have been working on it off and on. When I would start to write, I would “remember” I needed to do laundry; or I would suddenly need to check emails; or I would remember that I needed to respond to someone that had texted me previously that suddenly needed a timely response. Maybe I should get a snack? Just a few candies wouldn’t hurt (every time I walked past them :/) And I feel as though I am rambling on and on…….

It is fascinating to me that for the most part people can be very compassionate and empathetic to their friends, and family members, yet it seems completely acceptable or maybe even expected to be critical and degrading to themselves. As if that was a great motivation for change. And it might be for a period of time, but it gets exhausting and once the will power wears out, you are no longer able to maintain the motivation for change and soon you are right back where you started from. But you are never truly in the same spot that you started from.

Hopefully you have an increased awareness of how your brain is challenging you and with compassion you can try to see why it is giving you these particular thoughts. Is it a form of protection? Is it to increase safety? Is it just an old soundtrack that has been playing in your brain for a number of years that needs to be reevaluated?

If you can relate to some of these thoughts and would like to try a new perspective,. or if you want to learn some new tools with me to see if you can be more curious and compassionate towards yourself, “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. Or you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!

Emotions Are Not Problems to Solve – Part 2

So…. now that we know what feelings and emotions are, and what causes them, how do we “fix” them?

Here is the secret!!! Emotions are not problems to solve and therefore, they are nothing that needs to be fixed!

Recently I had the chance to go to Disneyland and California Adventure…twice in about 5 weeks. The first visit was with my husband for our 30th wedding anniversary. The second visit was with my youngest daughter, my oldest son, and my son’s girlfriend.

On both trips, we did one park each day. There were some similarities and some differences between the two, as could be expected. And each time it was interesting to notice the other park visitors as well.

Here is just one thing that made me think…..

*Emotional Whirlwind on Pixar Pier at Disney’s California Adventure*

In California Adventure there is a ride called the “Emotional Whirlwind”. It features characters from Disney-Pixar’s movie “Inside Out”.

I commented to my son’s girlfriend how it would be nice if the real life emotional whirlwinds were similar to the ride. It could be deemed a “kiddie ride” in that it goes up and spins in smooth moderate circles. Aahhh, the understatement of it all.

My emotional whirlwinds remind me more of a ride like X2 at Six Flags Magic Mountain!

X2 roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain. It is a 4th Dimension coaster built by
Arrow Dynamics.

You climb nearly 200 feet backwards to prepare for the first drop only to realize that it wasn’t the actual drop, and you climb a little more before the REAL drop only to have your seat flip around 180 degrees as you drop 215 feet facing toward the ground! There are twists and turns….back flips and front flips….flame throwers and heavy metal music. It is terrifyingly amazing!! And you may feel a little bit sick afterwards! haha 🙂 But I digress……We can discuss my love of rollercoasters a different day. Today we are talking emotions.

In the movie, 11 year old Riley moves with her parents from Minnesota to San Francisco and has to leave all her friends and memories behind. The bulk of the movie is portrayed by the “emotions” that control Riley’s brain. The five main emotions are Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Fear, and Anger. And although not an emotion, I loved her imaginary friend Bing-Bong and the role he plays as well.

In the beginning it seems as though the movie is favoring Joy’s interpretation of what things mean and how they should be remembered. Joy tries to direct the other emotions in what they should “do” for Riley. But soon we see that all the emotions play their own necessary parts and that one is not more valued than another. The movie helps us see that depending on where we are at in our lives plays a big part as to how we can remember things with joy, sadness, disgust, fear or anger. The feelings surrounding our memories can soften and even change over time. And because of the complexity of our brains, some of the greatest memories come with a combination of emotions.

After all, if the circumstances are neutral, we can have multiple thoughts about any given circumstance, which leads us to multiple emotions about that particular instance. So given that, we can allow various emotions to be present for us in our own lives as well.

“Many people talk about positive and negative emotions, but I’m not convinced that is an accurate description either. What if all emotions just were? And some were a more preferred level of comfort for us, while others were some level of discomfort? “

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“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”
– Orson Welles

It is this allowance of emotion that gives us the rich fullness in our lives. We can learn from all the emotions that we have if we look at them with curiosity and compassion. We don’t need to be in a rush to “think our way out of the difficult emotions”. What can we learn? Why do we feel a particular way? What are the thoughts fueling those emotions? Are they helpful in some way? How are they serving us?

Rather than “solving” the emotional problems as it were, we can become more scientific and collect data and information as to the roles they play and how they are there to give us information. There will be some emotions in specific circumstances that are short lived. That’s fine. Just remember….. there is nothing wrong with you because you are feeling a particular way. Sometimes all you need is patience and understanding.

Many people talk about positive and negative emotions, but I’m not even convinced that is an accurate description either. What if all emotions just were? And some were a more preferred level of comfort for us, while others were some level of discomfort? How would things be different if we learned how to allow the discomfort of emotions in our journey to reach towards the things we truly want in life? We do have some control over our emotions, because we can challenge our thinking. I’m just suggesting that maybe we don’t always need to. After all, in the majority of grading scales, 60% is passing. What if life is the same way?

Orson Welles once said, ” If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” Similarly, I prefer, “It’s ALL good in the end! If it’s not good, it’s not the end!” Maybe this is just one chapter in your story. Maybe it’s the messy middle. Keep going. Keep writing your story. Turn the page and determine for yourself what to do with these emotions.

If you would like to look at some of the emotions you might be thinking need to be solved, or if you want to work on processing and letting go of some of your lingering emotions with me just “Contact Me” and send me a quick email. Or you can “Schedule a Consult” for a free session to discuss what you want to work on and how to get started.

And as always…..Remember…..It’s ALL good!!